Brass Balls, Vietnam
by Zergface
Summary: When the gay communist nazi space aliens strike deep in the heart of Vietnam, the only people stopping Earth's doom, relatively liberal grilled cheese sandwiches and superlative circumcision are the CPUs. Welcome to Vietnam, '69, gay communist nazi space alien style. (DOEsN'T BREAK FANFICTION GUIDELINES) (Two-shot)
1. Chapter 1

_**If you are offended by utterly anything and actually everything you will be instantaneously triggered with no shred of mercy**_

 ** _Buckle up_**

* * *

"SOME FOLKS ARE BORN, MADE TO WAVE THE FLAG!" Sergeant Rick "Brass Balls" Barney shouted into the thick Vietnam jungle over the sound of the huey's helicopter blades. "OOOH THAT RED WHITE AND BLUE!"

He leaned out the door, holding his M60 light machine gun at the hip and fired into the dense Vietnam jungle. As he fired, the bullet loops curled around his body smacked his green-clothed chest. He gnashed his teeth against his cigar, chuckling to himself like a maniac.

Atop his buzzcut black hair was a gnarly camouflage helmet with the words "NAM BABY" etched in black on the side. Ricky 'Brass Balls' was more than ready for whatever came his way.

Except for the British.

"OI, YA DAMN WANKER, YOU TALKIN 'BOUT ME UNION JACK, AH YA?" His British comrade, Jack 'Scone Drone' Edwards screamed as the helicopter pounded harder and harder over the jungle.

Scone Drone was named as such due to his ability to fall asleep in any situation no matter what, and for the fact that he likes scones.

"SHADDAP SCONE DRONE, I'LL DUMP YOUR FUCKIN TEA INTO THE HARBOR!"

"OI YA FOKIN LAZY-ASS YANK, IT'S HARBOUR NOT HARBOR!" Jack pulled his M16A1 assault rifle up to his chest, a knife in his right hand. He'd been trying to stitch the words 'God Save The Queen' on the rifle's stock since they left Saigon, only for his efforts to be in vain. It looked more like 'Qoq SAUE THE GVEEM' instead, which is totally not what he wanted to write. Unfortunate.

"Sixty seconds!" The pilot of the huey said, bringing the helicopter around to lose speed by pulling the nose up. Brass Balls Barney smirked, spitting out his cigar.

In the distance mountains stood proudly over the jungle, arching high into the clouds. To Ricky's right, a jet plane darted past, releasing a dozen jugs of napalm. The sailed to the earth, and when the tubs splattered into the mountains they erupted into flame. The flames danced across Brass Balls's eyes as the huey touched down in a clearing.

"Git sum! Git sum!" Ricky chanted as he jumped out of the helicopter, while Edwards merely stepped out, snarling something about how Americans sucked.

But the last person to step out of the huey wasn't Scone Drone. It was some scrawny 18 year old kid with thick rimmed glasses, quivering in his boots that were almost too big for him.

"C'mon young chap!" Edwards pushed the kid forwards with the butt of his gun. The nerdy kid screeched as he collapsed into a bush.

"This is 'Nam, ya damn FNG!" Brass Balls hooted, using his M60 to part a bunch of branches, making his way deeper into the forest. "Stick to me if you wanna stay alive!"

"Oh jeez, oh jeez!" The FNG pushed up his glasses before hobbling behind Ricky Brass Balls.

The helicopter roared off into the distance, high above the trees and back to the base. Now it was quiet. The birds chirped, the insects sang, and the forest whispered in the mysterious mist. And in the distance napalm accidentally burned down an entire village suspected of having Communists in it instead of just burning out the bad guys. Oops.

"Keep your eyes open, kiddo…" Edwards held his rifle out over the head of the 18 year old, grinding his teeth together. They had long since become yellow from drinking gallons of British tea a day, but unfortunately in the recent days he had to resort to drinking the Vietnamese tea. A terrible fate, surely.

They walked through the woods in search of their target. The group of three were ordered to blow up a secret communist facility deep in the jungle, and there were rumors that something dark and sinister was going on in there. Some secret commie science, the boys back at the base joked. But the possibility was very much real.

The trees were alive, the woods was holding it's breath. And when Ricky Brass Balls flexed his muscular biceps to push a branch out of his way, his sweat reflected in the thin sunlight.

That caught the gaze of a dozen Commies.

" _ **Về nhà, Gi! Về nhà, Gi!**_ " They screamed at the top of their lungs, shooting their Chinese AK-47 knockoffs at the Gis. " _ **Go Home, Gi!**_ "

"Holy Shit!" Scone Drone screamed, leaning back and starting to snore loudly as he collapsed in a bush. That saved his life, as a trillion AK bullets whizzed past his nose.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!" Ricky Brass Balls exclaimed, turning his machine gun on the commies hiding behind trees and plants. "Screw YOU Charles!"

He started spraying into the brush, his bullets tearing apart the leaves and trees and branches and limbs and all sorts of other nasty stuff that can be assumed to be torn up. Everyone died in like two seconds.

Once the guns fell quiet, little FNG buddy jumped to his feet after laying down for so long. He shouted a war cry with his war face, shooting his weapon into the trees. The birds flew away.

"HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHHA!" Ricky Brass Balls laughed heartily, punching the kid in the shoulder. "Welcome to 'Nam, kiddo!"

Brass Balls Barney went over to Edwards's sleeping body, and held out a rare English Teabag out in front of his nose.

"WHuuuZZAh! Me English teabags!" Scone Drone stopped droning and shot up to his feet, trying to grab the teabag out of Brass Balls's hands.

But from somewhere in the jungle, a massive mechanical claw sprung out of the trees and snatched the teabag _right_ before Edwards could grab it.

"What was that!?" They all gasped in unison.

"Prepare for trouble!" A robotic voice rang out.

"Make it double!" Another one shouted.

A bigass metal foot stomped through the trees, crushing a clearing into view. The protagonists jumped in terror as they saw the two evil robots. They were like the tripods from _The War of The Worlds_ , and in the top thing there was a glass dome. Inside of it was an evil grey space alien.

"Hey!" Edwards, not groggy from his nap at all, shouted. "That's pretty gay!"

One of the two robots gasped. "What!?"

"Well, we are _raging homosexuals_." The other robot alien said. The gasping robot gasped again, but then huffed robotically.

"That is true, come here honey bunches." The two robots butted heads in affection.

Ricky cooed. "Aww… They're in love!"

"Shaddap!" The FNG frowned, tightening his grip on his rifle. "They're gay Space Aliens!"

"That is correct!" One of the robots snarled, going back into kill mode. "And if you want to save your puny country, you'll have to defeat the both of us!"

"Wait, this isn't even our country…" Edwards lowered his gun.

"What!?" The other Space alien, Space Alien 1, deadpanned. "We were wrong? Damn!"

"It's alright honey," Space Alien 2 comforted. "We can still destroy the world. For communism!" He raised a robotic fist into the air, clutching the teabag.

"Wait a minute!" Ricky Brass Balls exclaimed as he sat down, lighting a cigar out of boredom. "You're Gay _communist_ Space Aliens?!"

"Isn't it obvious?" Alien 1 cried out, crossing it's robot arms. "Well, let's cut to the chase, dear."

Alien 2 nodded somehow. "Yes, let's."

From behind the gay communist space aliens a large futuristic cylinder popped out of the Vietnam mud. Just like a little **pop** , nothing too special. It hovered between the gay communist space aliens menacingly. Thunder and lightning crashed down into the jungle, and it started to get very dark and cloudy. Rain trickled down from above, soaking the ground and it's inhabitants.

"Muahahahaha!" Alien 1 laughed madly. "Our evil science has come to fruition! No longer shall we live in fear, now we will destroy the world!"

"With our super destroyer device. Our secret plan is really long, so to sum it up, it combines all the power from a gazillion other dimensions and condenses it here and it goes KABLEWWY! Our safe space!" Alien 2 exclaimed excitingly. "Get ready to die!"

"Hold on a second!" Ricky puffed on his now wet cigar, tapping on his chin with the barrel of his machine gun like a smart person would. "If you do all these mad science experiments, wouldn't that make you a _Nazi_ scientist!?"

The FNG rolled his eyes, pushing up his glasses. "Not all evil scientists are Nazis, Rick."

"UFUFUFUFUFUU!" Alien 2 was filled with glee. "How did you figure it out? You must be geniuses!"

"What!" Edwards shouted indignantly. "So you lads are _Gay Communist Space Alien_ _ **Nazis**_?!"

"No," Alien 1 shook his head. "We're _Gay Communist Nazi Space Aliens_. We don't appreciate misogyny here. And for this place to become our safe space, everyone MUST DIE!"

Alien 2 laughed like a robot maniac as Alien 1 pressed a big red button out of nowhere. "DIE!"

The three soldiers gasped in horror and started shooting at the aliens. Their bullets started pinging off the metal, doing nothing. Scone Drone fell asleep, collapsing into a puddle.

And then the dimension cylinder machine exploded.

"AH!" The aliens screamed.

"AH!" The humans screamed.

And the cylinder was gone. Where did it go? I don't know. But now there were four girls lying in the 'Nam mud in a pile.

"What is THIS? This isn't what we planned for!" Alien 1 screamed in terror.

Ricky Brass Balls raised his M60. "Die!" He shouted, shooting.

The bullets pinged off the glass rather loudly, waking up the four girls but not Edwards. He started dreaming about shining the shoes of the British Queen, wearing a gold monocle.

"What!" Noire gasped, climbing to her feet. "Why am I SOAKING wet!"

"Eew! It got in my hair! My precious, luscious hair!" Neptune cried out, shaking mud from her fingers.

"I'll KILL whoever did this!" Blanc snarled, clenching her fists around a massive hammer that just sorta materialized. "Was it YOU?" She glared at Vert.

"No! We all need to calm down!" Vert suggested in vain, as the other three started bickering amongst themselves until Noire noticed the giant Gay Communist Nazi Alien robots.

"Uh oh!" Neptune waved her arms in the air. "I'm a bee! I'm a bee! Just a bee! Not a person for you to kill!"

But just then Ricky Brass Balls ran out of ammo and started to reload, and the evil alien nazis glared at the people.

"Get ready to die!" They yelled like morons at the same time. "SUPER DUO LASER CANNON FIST OF NATIONAL SOCIALISM!"

And the fight began.

* * *

 ** _I don't even know anymore, get ready for like 20 more chapters of this nonsense_**


	2. I aint the sharpest tool in the shed

"AHHHH!" Ricky screamed at the top of his lungs, curled up in a puddle of mud. "I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"

Scone Drone hobbled over to his fallen ally, crouching down beside him. "You're fine, ya whiny prick."

"I CAN'T FEEL MAH LEGS!" He screamed again.

"You dropped your gun on your f0ckin pinky toe," Edwards rubbed his eyes, a little groggy from suddenly falling asleep. "Just get up, I'm tired o' this shit."

But before Edwards could bring Ricky Brass Balls to his feet, the Gay Communist Nazi Space Aliens howled in laughter.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" They laughed, rather startlingly, in unison. "IS THIS THE BEST EARTH CAN OFFER?!" The second alien asked.

"Not really, being honest." The FNG shrugged.

"WELL THEN." The first Alien said in all caps. "I'LL JUST USE THESE CONVENIENTLY SPAWNED HUMANS AS PROJECTILES!"

"Wait, what?!" Neptune gasped. "We're not projectiles! Just look at my dainty little bod!" She waved her arms in the air spastically. "Too squishy! Not good for throwing!"

"Uhh… Neptune…" Noire deadpanned as Blanc blushed with fury. "Not the impression I'd go for…"

"You know," Alien 2 commented, placing two robotic arms on it's sides. "They're right, honey bunches. They seem far too squishy to be good throwable."

"How about that one?" Alien 1 casually suggested, pointing at Blanc. "Seems stiff enough."

"You're thinking exactly why I'm thinking, dearest!" Alien 2 cooed. "Together now, for the good of collectivism!"

They hoisted their arms into the air, glaring at Blanc. "A REVOLUTIONARY TOSS!" They shot their arms forwards, aiming to snatch the Goddess of Lowee. "GIANT LEAP FORWARDS! GO!"

Blanc, who had been steaming with fury the entire time, bursted into her Goddess form. In half a second, she swooped up and into the air, grasping her hammer with fire in her eyes.

"DAMN COMMIES!" She exclaimed. "FUCK YOU!"

And before the Aliens realized that they were somehow suspended in midair due to the action scene, their fists got smashed to smithereens.

"NOOO! MY RIGHT ROBOT TENDRIL!" Alien 1 cried, stumbling face-first into the 'Nam mud.

"EEEEEK! MY LEFT APPENDAGE!" Alien 2 cried as well, similarly slamming into the mud before coming to a stop in front of the other 3 Goddesses.

"Serves you right!" Neptune taunted, shaking her hands with her thumbs on her ears.

"It's not over yet…" Brass Balls muttered, picking his machine gun off the ground. "Look! You're coming out of their Nazi robots!"

The gay communist nazi space alien green slime-octopus-men clambered out of the broken robots, panting heavily. They flopped onto the mud like dying fish, and Vert crossed her arms in satisfaction.

"I'll get you for this!" Alien 1 threaded Blanc, shaking a tentacle-fist in the air. "You will RUE this day for all of eternity!"

Alien 2 spoke up. "Heed his words, you will rue it!"

The gay communist nazis got to their feet, standing before the whole combined group of human-ish people. Then Alien 2 glanced at his partner. "When will they rue it?"

"Uhhh…" Alien 1 trailed off before finding his answer. "Tomorrow? Maybe Tuesday, I'm kinda booked the rest of the week."

"Ah, you told me about that!" Alien 2 said happily. "The annual National Socialist anime convention!"

"You said you'd go, right?" Alien 1 asked with a hint of concern.

"Eh, I can't make it this year. The whole commune is getting together from Wednesday to Friday. You know how much old family means to me, my dear!"

"Of course I do, love!" They embraced, rubbing nose-arms together.

Noire cleared her throat. They didn't notice, but started rubbing more furiously.

The FNG's face glowed almost as green as the ear-holes on the Aliens.

Ricky Brass Balls raised his machine gun to fire, but come to think of it, the M69 kinda looks like that appendage on Alien 2's shoulder… Ricky caught himself from puking at the last second.

The Aliens were really getting into it now. As their makeout session extended, Blanc decided that this had gone on for too long. She hoisted her hammer high over her head, ready to strike.

"Oh my," Alien 1 whimpered. "If we can't arrange a time next week, when are they going to rue this day? Realistically speaking."

Alien 2 shrugged. "How about now? I'm open this afternoon."

"Oh honey, you're a genius!" Alien 1 exclaimed excitingly as he pulled a ray gun pistol out of his butthole.

Alien 2 did the same, smirking. Scone Drone suddenly fell asleep, snoring in a rain-soaked bush. "Oh my love, you flatter me!"

"Wait, what's going on again?" Neptune perked up. "I wasn't listening."

"Something about killing all of us!" Noire informed taking a defensive stance. Neptune looked questioningly at the frail-looking aliens. "I know it's ridiculous, don't ask." The Black-haired girl finished.

"I'm taking no chances." Vert stepped forwards, glowing brightly. After Ricky Brass Balls pulled out his trademark aviator sunglasses, Vert finished transforming.

With her spear in her arms, she leapt forwards. Blanc followed Vert's example, taking a great leap forwards as well.

But then the Aliens fired their weapons, blowing the duo back to where they started.

"What kind'a weapon is that?" Edwards asked unfazed, waking up from his short nap.

"I donno man, some spooky commie shit." Brass Balls snarled, taking aim with his machine gun.

"These weapons are revolutionary in design! Soon the whole world will feel it's burning passion!" Alien 1 yelled triumphantly.

"Burning passion…" Alien 2 murmured. "I loooooove it!" He squealed.

Before another witty thing could be said, Ricky let loose with his machine gun, firing at the hip.

"DIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!" He yelled, tearing the gay communist nazi space aliens into pieces.

But when he stopped shooting, and all the Michael Bay special effects died down, the Aliens stood unfazed.

"You really think that we didn't plan ahead?!" Alien 2 shouted all evil-like. "We knew that all this would happen, all thanks to our alternate dimension-inator 2000!" The green gay nazi communist held up a coffee mug. But it wasn't a coffee mug, it was your standard everyday alternate dimension-inator 2000. But it was also a coffee mug.

"We can see into all the alternate dimensions and know ahead of time what will happen next! We prepared a phase shield right as you started to shoot! You lose, heteros!"

"Hold on just one second!" Neptune thought, the gears in her head churning for the first time in a while. "How do you know which dimension is the one that this reality will coincide with? The superfluous quantitative realities conveyed by the thingy are too great to be precise with numerical probability in terms of realities per accurate precisionativeification!"

The aliens stared at Neptune for four seconds. One. Two. Three. F-

"Despite the major outplaying juxtaposed qualifications supposed to be quantified initially upon primary analysisificarion," Alien 2 began, "Rate of precise depictionatations are supoised and rectified through a dipolar pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis complexion, leading to an inevitable-"

Brass Balls shot Alien 2 in the face.

"FUCK! SHIT! AHHH!" Alien 2 screeched, clutching his fourth eye socket. "AHHHHHHH!"

"What the hell?!" The FNG gasped. "How did you-"

"Just shut up, kiddo," Ricky smirked. "This is Nam, not some shitty-ass freakshow documentary."

"Neptune, what did you just say?" Noire asked, lowering her sword.

"I donno." Neptune replied. "One of Histy's lectures must've sunk in somewhere."

"Time to die, assholes!" Blanc jumped up into the air, holding her hammer menacingly. "HYAAAAAAA!"

The Communist Nazis slipped in the rain, and The hammer slammed into the Vietnam mud. It landed inches away from the two aliens.

But the resulting shockwave was enough to send the aliens flying away into the sunset. Or at least, into the dark clouds.

"We're blasting off aga-" They started to say as they got stuck by lightning, causing them to somehow plummet to the ground far in the mountains.

Scone Drone beamed proudly, patting Ricky on the back. "Another day, another pound!"

"It's called a dollar." The FNG snarked, pushing up his wet glasses.

"Oh, shaddap!" The Britishman said for crying out loud.

"Dollar?" Blanc inquired. Vert and Blanc reverted forms, setting themselves down in the mud beside their counterparts.

"Dollar." The FNG affirmed.

Ricky pushed the kid on the shoulder, holding a radio up to his head. "Papa Bear Overlord Darkstar niner-four-seven, this is Romeo India Kilo two-one-six-niner, requesting pickup in the trees, over."

The radio crackled to life. "Rodger dodger, wilco positive zero actual, how copy, over."

"Copy positive negative four one seven, over."

"Negative, semen actual niner miner, seven two."

Ricky grunted, obviously displeased. "Bravo six-niner requesting request ten-two, over."

"Romeo India Kilo 2-1-6-niner, BRA, 210 at 7000, flanking."

"Solid negative, CTRL-V." Brass Balls Barney grinned, putting the radio away. "The Huey is landing 97,000 mikes from bulls 817102762-81629202, not that far away. Let's get a move on!"

As they begrudgingly started to march through the dense jungle while sopping wet, the FNG started to question things. Unimportant things, sure, but they were still things.

Who are these girls? What was that entire alien thing back there? Why does no one care?

"Hey Ricky?" The FNG spoke up, interrupting the Vietnam silence.

"Yes, kiddo?" Brass Balls responded as he cut a giant Vietnam mosquito in half with his bayonet.

"Come come you don't give a shit about anything?"

"Well," Ricky started, but was interrupted by a Vietnamese land shark. "This is Vietnam. You see things that you just don't believe."

"Okay." They kept walking, leading the group past a bloody shark carcass.

"I'm saying that we probably drank some spiked shit yesterday, or that we're dead."

Scone Drone spoke up. "I wouldn't be surprised, considering how dumb this here Yank is." He poked Ricky.

"Fuck off!" Ricky bickered, swatting him away with one hand and using the other to push aside an oversized spider.

Faintly, almost inaudibly, Vert shouted from the back of the line. "Please stop fighting! Let's just get to your helicopter!"

But no one could hear her over the Vietnam silence, which was full of the sounds of napalm, man-eating crickets and Satan snakes.

And when they all got to the clearing where they were going to get picked up, they all collapsed onto a log. But it was wet, so the people who sat down first got up and felt really silly. The ones who sat down afterwards got angry at the ones who sat down first.

Stupid stuff like that went on for almost an hour because of the vague instructions given to the helicopter pilot, who was forced to fly in circles around absolutely nowhere to finally find the group.

It was a successful day.

Proabably.

 **Writing on mobile sucks, uploading might not even work. I can only write this at midnight apparently, that's when I'm the most insane. Hahahahahaha**

 **Reviews are the greatest drug known to man... do you have any to spare?**


End file.
